Why Your Team Sucks 2. New England Patriots. Some people are fans of the New England Patriots. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New England Patriots. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Read all the previews so far here. Your team: The Richard Spencer Blues Explosion. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 1. Super Bowl champions. MAGA.  Your coach: Football Steve Bannon.“And there were no days off!” Indeed, with that one battle cry, the masses did cheer and then resume their jobs at the munitions factory, wherein they labored day and night all for the GLORIES OF THE STATE. I’m gonna be perfectly honest: I’m still stunned by the Trump letter. It’s not simply that Belichick wrote it, but also the content of the letter itself: Congratulations on a tremendous campaign.

You have to help with an unbelievable slanted and negative media and have come out beautifully. You have proven to be the ultimate competitor and fighter. Watch Downhill Online. Your leadership is amazing. I have always had tremendous respect for you for the toughness and perseverance you have displayed over the past year is remarkable.

Your coach: Dirk Koetter. “Well, I am sure there are plenty of people that think my playcalling stinks But I’ve been doing it for 35 years.

Come on man, he sounds EXACTLY like Trump. How is this the same guy? Bill Belichick should fucking HATE the President. The President is a fat, lazy, weak blowhard. How is the greatest football mind in history hoodwinked here? DID HE NOT STUDY THE TAPE?

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And what business does Bill Belichick, of all people, have complaining about the media? This guy treats the media like absolute shit and they still hang on his every word, praying they get lucky and that Daddy gifts them a 2. He’s tamed the media like a dog, and he’s still bitching just because people wanna ask him about the Buttfumble?

Man, fuck him blind. The Red Sox learned spying from this man. And for real, I bet he’s TOTALLY into racial scouting.

Loogit all the undrafted white dudes he claimed off the scrap heap. I need boys who’ll pick up my system FAST.”Your quarterback: Chia seed android.

Tom Brady. Here’s a fella who will face any NFL defense but not any question asking him about his friends. Watch Rites Of Spring Online. Take away Ballghazi and everything about Tom Brady is still shady as all fuck. He eats vegan dog food.

He squirts salt packets into his water and claims it’s a miracle drug. He’s spent an inordinate amount of time trying to disguise his own history of concussions and claiming that he has miraculously avoided them thanks to stretching a lot and eschewing all seeded berries. He sticks a MAGA hat in his locker and then acts offended when anyone dares to ask if he supports Trump, then skips out on the White House visit. Watch Down To Earth Online Free HD more. His personal training guru is a con man. He workshops TV shows with Jim Gray. He uses money from one charity to pay another charity. He defies the normal limits of aging for pro athletes and NO ONE in the media arches an eyebrow at it because they’re all DESPERATE to be the first reporter to get decent copy out of him.

He takes below- market value for a salary because he can (and because I already know damn well he’s gonna get gifted part ownership of the team when he retires), which seduces idiot GMs and fans of other teams into thinking their players ought to fuck themselves in the ass for the sake of THE TEAM. On the field, Brady is a god, and off of it he is a disingenuous cipher. I could argue that Tom Brady represents everything wrong with America. Here’s a man who’s too rich and comfortable with his life to risk a goddamn thing off the field. He exists only to further his own ends while pretending to just be a good guy.

It’s like someone made Ivanka Trump into a football player. He’s a sniveling, snaky, empty- headed goon. When we finally go to Nuclear War and most of the planet is wiped out, Brady will still be here, living behind a wall, sitting by a pool with a stupid grin on his face, wondering what all the negativity is about. What’s new that sucks: God, they’re fucking loaded everywhere. Brady could get decapitated and they’d still be favored to win the Super Bowl with Pizza Boy at QB.

Name another team that would cut Kony Ealy just because they could. They traded for Brandin Cooks. They swiped Stephon Gilmore and David Harris from their hapless division rivals. They added backs Mike Gillislee and Rex Burkhead (WHITE PLAYER ALERT) in an effort to continue their tradition of giving no RB consistent touches. They lost Julian Edelman for the season but that’ll only give NEXT MAN UP chubbies to every supposed diehard fan now living in Santa Monica. Oh, and half their division is staging two of the most blatant tank jobs in league history. Aaron Hernandez got his conviction voided by killing himself.

That was like the Tuck Rule of murder. What has always sucked: Congrats, Patriots fans! You are the official team of the alt- right! They’re all yours. More important, your team is now emblematic of an America that is distorted beyond recognition: a place where people are less revered than the bold and brave companies that maximize delivery and efficiency by phasing out every last trace of humanity and treating people like coal to be shoveled into a furnace.

The Patriots can even get NFL players to buy into this shit. Players are like, “Wow, these guys really know how to get the most out of me right before paying me what I’m actually worth!” This team dangled Malcolm Butler all offseason and then decided to keep him in the fold, and of course he’ll still play brilliantly for them because NFL players know that you can either be treated like shit in New England and win, or be treated well elsewhere and lose.

Their fans love to call in to Dipshit and Chuckles in the AM so they can complain about how a first- round pick who happens to be black should get cut to “send a message,” since pretending to be the miserable man in charge of this team is the only way these people can find any joy. There’s nothing laudable about Brady, or Belichick, or horny- ass Robert Kraft. And there’s DEFINITELY nothing admirable about their loser fans (Marky Mark left early!), who still yank out their drunk fathers’ old Hugh Millen trading cards any time someone calls them a bandwagoner and who STILL feel victimized even after winning sports fan Powerball: God, what a bunch of sour pricks. The fucking FBI helped your idiot quarterback find his jersey. You people are spoiled worse than a chihuahua on an airplane. I wish Mauricio Ortega had gotten away with it, dammit. I wish Edelman’s old teacher had told him to get fucked.

I wanna show you something. Here’s a photo of the dude who got busted yanking the fire alarm in the Steelers’ hotel: Tell me EVERY Pats fan doesn’t look exactly like that guy. He’s got it all: the Casey Affleck stubble, the dead eyes. These are the sullen drones who have the perfect temperament to cheer on a humorless monolith of an organization that smothers everything and everyone in cold gray fog. The machine wins.

The many suffer for the enrichment of the few. Goody fucking two shoes. I’m gonna get even DRUNKER for this next Super Bowl win of theirs. It’s my only diversion. And SUPER TRIPLE DURA- FUCK Mike Lombardi. This isn’t a rule, you big stupid fuck.

And fuck Patriot Week. Did you know? The Patriots have been outscored in Super Bowls by 3.

By all metrics, they should only have THREE rings at most, and not five. And that’s before we deduct for all the cheating, which would bring their Pythagorean Super Bowl win total to - 2. Also, Gronk is getting traded at midseason. It’s a mortal lock. Belichick will stun the world by shipping him to L. A. and then his arm will fall off and he’ll triple puncture each lung.

What might not suck: Boston proper leads the league in thwarting Nazi rallies. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

Maybe you should protest the football team next. HEAR IT FROM PATS FANS! [Ed. See if you can tell where these take a turn] Brandon: Because fuck us. Andy: Kill me. I’m surrounded by assholes.

Casey: We might as well change our team helmet to MAGA hats.